Developing and editing a paragraph II

Okay, working on a future story and I typed the following -

Vulaith was at the top of the descent. He received the impression that he was the only one Shibeth did not want looking up her skirt. He was not surprised that Truggeck went first, but the relationship between the lady and Bessern

Yep, stopped right there. Can you see the problem? WAS, WAS, WAS. BE verbs are bad, really bad, seriously bad. Now, you have to used them ocassionally, but you should not. Having a paragraph almost of all sentences with them in them, that is a major fault. To reuse a word over and over is repetitive - another fault. I flagged the paragraph right away and began to edit.

Vulaith looked down upon his companions who descended ahead of him. In seeing Shibeth directly beneath him, he received the impression that she did not want him looking up her skirt. Truggeck's large elfin eyes did do the best of working with limited light, so it did make sense for him to be at the bottom. Why Bessern would be allowed to move immediately beneath the lady however puzzled Vulaith, as the relationship between her and Bessern did not indicate that they were close. They would speak to each other softly, but did not spend time kissing, hugging, and making cute innuendoes with each other the way Vulaith did when around his chosen lady. He thus looked down not only to see what he could, but also to try and determine the true personalities of those with whom he traveled.

The rewrite not only removed the repetitive WASs, but hopefully added a good bit of description. One be verb remained (were). All of that is something you should be attentive when you write.

1) Don't use BE verbs (is, are, was, were, seem, and a few more). The best advice is not use them. DO NOT SAY 'I CAN USE THEM OCASSIONALLY.' Say, 'I won't use them.' Then, when you do use one, you catch it (learn to self-edit). If you feel that one is needed, you will check yourself to assure that it is the best word.

2) Don't be repetitive. I recommend not just using a Thesaurus, but checking your mood. Often I find that by working with the emotion of a section I alter the wording giving the paragraph a better feel along with better flow.

3) Work with description to clarify the scene for your reader. You are not padding by adding description, but you are bringing the events into focus. Government agencies and lawyers want to blacken out paragraphs and force you to answer with simple YES/NO -- and do you really want to be like them (or write like them)?

#3 made me laugh. I liked the end and how you phrased that.