Remarrying an Ex

Is it ever smart? Or are all you doing is buying back all your old problems?

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The husband of my aunt, who passed away last December, this past week remarried his ex-wife. This is the woman he was married to before my aunt and with whom he has a grown son, on top of the two grown sons he has with my aunt, and grandchildren. Granted they were divorced for close to forty years, he and my aunt were married for thirty-five years, but still I can't help but to feel he's made a HUGE mistake. Not only in marrying a woman he'd already decided he didn't want to be married to, but in remarrying SO soon after my aunt's passing. And on top of that he is the minister of a small church, which is being torn apart with gossip about rather he was cheating before my aunt's death, because it has only been four months, and just in general the shock and pain of loosing my aunt, who was well loved by the members, and having a new preacher's wife moving in so soon after. I really, really do wish him all the best, and I don't believe for a minute he cheated on her while she was sick, but is the drama and pain he is causing going to be worth it? I just don't see how remarrying an ex can ever be a good idea.

Well that is a hard question. I do agree with you that marrying after only fourth month of your aunt's death is extremely early. I don't know how the relationship between your aunt's husband and his ex wife was, but it always needs time to get to know each other again, especially after you've been married again, and it seems it didn't work the first time.

Getting together with an ex is one thing, and yes maybe it works, but a marriage? Well I don't know. When a marriage break apart, it usually means that there is something missing, or there is too much fighting or whatever. Yes people change, it has happened before, and maybe in the beginning of the re-marriage everything is alright, but I'm certain about that problems are coming back: whether it's after weeks or maybe years. Some people just aren't meant to be together, doesn't matter how many times they try!

Well, since I watched by brother and his wife remarry 4 years ago, after what might be called a rather messy divorce, I am forced to admit that it can be done.

As for the pastor and this woman, for all I know they could have grown up, wised up, matured, or just fixed some life problem like got good jobs and the issues that first caused the divorce went away, so there was no real reason not to get married again and see if they can make it work a second time.

I am not an advocate of human brilliance, but I would expect a priest/pastor to know better then flaunt an adulterous relationship among the church. As for all the other things, in reality if the pastors children are accepting of this, that should be the cue to follow, after all, is their mother that died, and their father that just got remarried.

My cousins are upset about it. They went to the wedding, but they aren't Christian and don't go to their father's church. My mother, who WAS a member of the church didn't go to the wedding and hasn't gone back to the church since. It's more of a respect issue with her then she thinks he was cheating. She was really close to her sister and now she's gone and the one place my mother had that she felt she could go to get some relief or comfort is tainted by her being forced to face the new/old wife. And my mother isn't the most stable of people, to say the least, and when she's been asked what she thought she's told it like sees it with full emotion expressed. So, I think part of the issue might be that the members are looking to the family for a cue and are reacting to what they see.

I hope your brother's remarry continues to go well and I really and truly do hope my uncle has found happiness with his and it all turns out to be worth it. I just could NEVER see myself do the same.

HYdraMStar wrote:

My cousins are upset about it. They went to the wedding, but they aren't Christian and don't go to their father's church. My mother, who WAS a member of the church didn't go to the wedding and hasn't gone back to the church since. It's more of a respect issue with her then she thinks he was cheating. She was really close to her sister and now she's gone and the one place my mother had that she felt she could go to get some relief or comfort is tainted by her being forced to face the new/old wife. And my mother isn't the most stable of people, to say the least, and when she's been asked what she thought she's told it like sees it with full emotion expressed. So, I think part of the issue might be that the members are looking to the family for a cue and are reacting to what they see.

The dynamics of family are never easy things, and many of us if given the choice would not choose the family we have, nor do I think our family would have chosen us.

But I wonder why your mother feels this woman is tainting anything? I am left with the feeling that Perhaps there is some kind of bad blood between the two of them?

Quote :

I just could NEVER see myself do the same.

With each passing year, I learn how I would like to respond, how I hoped to respond and how I ended up responding hardly ever mesh.

I hope that I never face this situation to tell the truth.

No, she likes the woman well enough and doesn't have anything bad to say about her. She just use to spend a lot of time with my aunt working in the church, cleaning, gardening, etc. and now going there already sort of reminds her of what she lost, but now to see my aunt "replaced" so soon after her death (less then four months) is like salt in the wound. I don't think it would have mattered who it was. Her beef is with my uncle.

Why even marry after a certain age? My father is close to 80 and lives in an old folks apartment complex. Those people talk of falling in love and getting married. Why? I mean, I feel better just hearing people that old speak of having sex, as it makes the future seem not so dreadful. They however have no reason to complicate any dalliances. They should have fun and relax.

I am that way. I am not considering marriage. I admitted to fellow teachers that I get pops from ladies, but I avoid the twenty-somethings, as those ladies can cause me to have to change diapers again. I am looking to those closer my age, as I can have whatever relationship we agree upon without any entanglement except between each other. Having suffered through two failed marriages, I am not going to play games. If a lady wants to spend time with me, that is nice. If I get her angry with me, okay, she can go sulk as much as she desires.

As for exes. Well, I can understand growing up and understanding that you were once stupid. If the kids have grown up, there is however no need to retie the knot. Speak with each other, spend time with each other, but to do things that could reopen old wounds (and re-ignite latent stupidity) is very immature.

I'm totally with you TerishD, right down to the partners who want to sulk... It's bad enough with the ladies, but it's really unattractive when men do it.

Terish what would you say if a young thing came around and you fell head over heals for her. I know I'm still quite young, as is my marriage but I knew I wanted it. Yes it's just a piece of paper but that seems to be how most kids are raised these days, Christian values and what not, go figure.

I don't want to bring religion into this so... Are you saying you aren't considering it at this time, or have you closed yourself off to the idea of marrying again altogether? I ask because you are still young, attractive and intelligent why not?

As for remarriage, true there might have been some issues in the past but if they've both grown, what's the problem? In this particular case from what I've gathered in my own head he seems to be a man that perhaps cannot be by himself, and wants a wife just to have someone there. You know the old adage, I don't want to die alone. Could be? He didn't take much time after her passing to move on, so that is the only reason I could come up with as to why he's remarried.

Kellycakes wrote:

Terish what would you say if a young thing came around and you fell head over heals for her. I know I'm still quite young, as is my marriage but I knew I wanted it. Yes it's just a piece of paper but that seems to be how most kids are raised these days, Christian values and what not, go figure.

I don't want to bring religion into this so... Are you saying you aren't considering it at this time, or have you closed yourself off to the idea of marrying again altogether? I ask because you are still young, attractive and intelligent why not?

My problem is that she (this hypothetical lady) would have to propose to me. I chased two women, won them, then ended up being left stranded by them. I thus am not going to chase anyone. They are going to have to come to me, convince me that they actually enjoy the things that I like, then state their devotion to desiring to spend their life with me. I don't see that happening.

I thank you for the kind words, Kellycakes. The truth is that I am friendly, but I am not charming (or tactful). I do try to look good, but I consider wearing a button-up shirt to be high fashion (with blue jeans). I will talk to you, but I will not chatter about so-and-so, I know nothing about anything on network television (the cable companies here have a monopoly and I have satellite), and while I am talking to you I will probably be painting, working with something in my turtle yards, or doing something else (translation: no, I am not staring into your eyes the whole time). I thus am not what most women want, and definitely not what any will fight to get (I could be proven wrong, but it will surprise me when it happens).

Kellycakes wrote:

I don't want to bring religion into this so... Are you saying you aren't considering it at this time, or have you closed yourself off to the idea of marrying again altogether? I ask because you are still young, attractive and intelligent why not?

I don't know if this part was direct at me, Terish, or us both, but I personally still am sort of married.

Marriage, from everything I've seen and experienced, is like a slow form or torture. You start out really loving the person and really excited to be with them then slowly they start to get on your nerves, then the daily in and out problems really start to build up. Soon you're fighting over who did or didn't do the dishes. You find yourself explaining and re-explaining and then explaining another hundred times the things that are important to you and why you spend time/money/energy on them all the while being expected to just understand and provide for their needs. And then just when you don't think things can get any worse the sex starts getting boring, because it is after all the same person doing the same things every night and maybe if you are extremely lucky you swing once a month or so but odds are as the other problems start up your partner is going to suddenly become paranoid and try to deny you even that. Usually the best you can hope for is that you and your spouse can settle into some sort of understanding or arrangement where you both somehow benefit and only mildly hate one another and don't ask too many questions when the other person "meets a friend for coffee".

Yes I've heard some horror stories about marriage but had I let them bother me enough, and they did bother me I would not have gotten married. I still hear the stories and what you've said is probably true, but I think two people have to make the most of what they have, as with what you've said about arraignments. I also believe that not all marriages happen this way, there are times that we have fought, many, many times but after we finally get it, do it or don't do it, this is what's going to happen. Kind of like solving the problem and if it happens that the problem arises again we've learned the first time how to handle it. Isn't that the way marriage should run, or life for that matter?

But yes I do agree that sometimes it is like torture, and thank goodness we've yet to experience any sexual problems .

Don't get me wrong Kelly, I wish you two nothing but the best in your marriage. As I do my uncle. I'm just far too jaded at this point to believe in love. I think it's all just some sort of evolutionary drive.

HYdraMStar wrote:

Don't get me wrong Kelly, I wish you two nothing but the best in your marriage. As I do my uncle. I'm just far too jaded at this point to believe in love. I think it's all just some sort of evolutionary drive.

It is more than that, Hydra. Okay, it CAN be more than that. That is what I see as the contract of marriage. Two people are committed to moving a relationship beyond the simple act of reproducing. There is a physical understanding that the children fare better when protected and guided by parents (assuring that the genes live on), but there is also a deeper belief that the children will just BE better with the teaching and support of parents.

Now there are forces that try to negate the benefits of parents, or only one parent. As someone who works in a school, let me say that the benefits of parents is astounding. I have four children that claim me (one is a step-son). They are all great kids. They make good grades, are not discipline problems, and all are working to become strong members of society. They have all come from broken homes (both of my marriages failed). They all come from limited wealth (I am not rich). The ONLY difference between my children and the rest of the hoodlums in the school are that I and my first ex have done our best to raise our children properly. We stress education, respect for authority (not blind obedience), and a drive to succeed (and to handle failure). I thus see the foolish destructive behavior of other children (a strong percentage in my school) as a reflection of their parents. If a teacher sends in a complaint about one of my kids, they go back apologizing and NOT doing that act again. 90+% of the other students laugh and come back ready to try again - AND THAT IS DUE TO THE PARENTS.

Marriage is more than the children. I see the proof in the children, but I believe it goes for the parents as well. The commitment to support each other, correct each other, and simply be part of the life of each other to make an improvement in both. Improvement takes work, and many do not want to suffer through the toil. They thus leave when things get rough. The partner usually complains about the sex, because that is the most intimate time, but I believe that it is really other things. Both of my exes said that I had not become the man that they wanted, totally negating their words that they loved who I was (and I never made any promise about changing). I however sit here believing that my life would have been better if either had stayed in the relationship.

Trish, I hear what you're saying and you have some good points about parenting, but honestly it just sounds to me like you and yours switched the focus of your drive to love from each other to the child, which is also natural, and realized in our modern times the safety of the children is not reliant on the marriage staying together. It is people realizing that fact that I think has lead to the high divorce rate in this country. People "fall in love", they get married, they have a few children, and either get tired of one another or the man seeks out younger women (another evolutionary drive to procreate that usually kicks in once the wife begins to pass out of her child baring years) and the two of them go their own way with the knowledge that the children will be just fine. The only thing that is sad is how many of them (usually the women) try to recapture the love with a new partner not realizing it was only there with the first one because of these drives, which leads us back to remarrying an ex. If that isn't an attempt to recapture lost feelings of love I don't know what is.

Well, just to keep the conversation going, let me respond.

Your comments about my first wife are very wrong. That witch almost completely spoiled my whole impression about women. She has raised my daughters, but did everything she could to do so on my money while denying me any visitation (and then raising my daughters telling them that it was my fault I haven't been present in their lives). She is just evil, and only as my daughters sought me out did they learn different.

I got married again just because others kept telling me how I needed a lady in my life. The second one was very different, but also a bad choice. I don't consider her evil however, but only fickle and flighty. I ended up holding onto my (our) boy even as I tried to keep track on her boy (my step-son). I now have both boys under my roof, and they are both doing well in school. The second wife shows up ocassionally, and the boys are glad to see her, but have come to expect her to leave again.

Neither of these situations I consider gene-furthering primal instincts. Some of that was deep, but the ultimate driving force was higher-order. The sheer cruelty of my first wife went beyond DNA. If my second wife feels any attachment to her offspring, it is momentary. She might have the genes for being gullible, poor memory, and general lack of common sense, but I don't know if those exist. If I were truly driven my nature, I would try again. I however am focused on protecting myself, and not on furthering the spread of my DNA. I love my kids, and enjoy spending time with nieces and nephews, but I don't feel any urge to again start changing diapers regularly. The risk of another poor relationship with a bad specimen of female persausion scares me enough to have cowered my primal drive.

the goblin was following this thread with interest but just suggested that instead of all this conjecture, profitable as it may be, just wouldn't be more honest of confront him in a polite reasonable way as to why it must be like this, and then the goblin felt he had to say something else here "...also, your picture is in the avatar..."

fleamailman wrote:

the goblin was following this thread with interest but just suggested that instead of all this conjecture, profitable as it may be, just wouldn't be more honest of confront him in a polite reasonable way as to why it must be like this, and then the goblin felt he had to say something else here "...also, your picture is in the avatar..."

He was "confronted" both politely, in the case of his sons and some of the church members, and in the case of my mom not so politely. For myself, I've given up on having any sort of reasonable conversation with the man about anything important years ago. I have no ill will towards him, but he has no respect for the opinions or feelings of others and all he does is quote the Bible and talk over people when they try to rebut anything he says or does. Our interaction, at best, is surface as this is the only way it remains civil.

Just to toss a wrench into this a bit, to get some other views on the table.

All things said and done, it takes two to get remarried. So it was not all his choice in this matter, nor did he have the final say. She could have easily refused, so it was something they both wanted.

Going with that thought, maybe he had such a happy marriage that he wanted to be married again. It may have been that the best part of his life was to share with someone.

Perhaps that might be something to look into.

Urs wrote:

Just to toss a wrench into this a bit, to get some other views on the table.

All things said and done, it takes two to get remarried. So it was not all his choice in this matter, nor did he have the final say. She could have easily refused, so it was something they both wanted.

Going with that thought, maybe he had such a happy marriage that he wanted to be married again. It may have been that the best part of his life was to share with someone.

Perhaps that might be something to look into.

You're absolutely right, but I'm not related to her. I grew-up with this man as my uncle. Spent summers with him and his family, including the son he shares with this woman who I consider family as well. So, I care just a little more what he does with his life and how it effects my cousins and their children (one of whom is only four and still looks for his grandmother whenever he goes to the house, but instead find granddaddy with a new grandmama) then I do her. Maybe that's not "fair" or looking at all sides, but it's the nature of family. We just care more and we judge more.

As for the second part of your argument he was so happy being married to my aunt he remarried as soon as he could, I think there might be something to it and that's what makes me think he has really messed up.

all good points. But still, I think people can find love the second time around, and given the hideous state of marriage in this country, being able to make a single marriage work, much less 2 of them is a gift to say the least.

But just to toss something else out.

He is not hurting anyone, he just trying to find his own happiness in this world, just like you, me, everyone.

Would you like it if others came upon you and started to have all kinds of objections about what you did with your life, especially when you are seeking nothing but some company and a happy day to look forward to?

Think about that Hydra.

Yes he is family, and you care about his decisions, even don't like them. I am equally sure that given he is a pastor and you are a member of the Church of Satan, that you have made some decisions he finds repungnant beyond words, howeve I am sure you would like your family to suck it up and deal with your decisions, the return should also hold true. Set an example of how you want to be treated by treating others the same way.

You may not like what he did, but you and I both know that we would never like the idea of anyone expecting us to put our lives on hold at the demands of other people.

Why should your uncle be any different?

Urs, I'm not going to argue religion with you.

I've never tried to bring any member of my family into the choices I've made in my life, religious or otherwise. I live well a part from them and rarely see any of them. And they don't have to see, talk to, or even think about me if they don't want to. They choose, at least some of them do, to continue contact with me. This uncle in particular didn't speak to me for right at eight years after I let it be known I'm a Satanist. I never called him, never wrote to him, never did anything to try and force myself upon him. So, if he or anyone else in the family seeks me out then it is on them if they don't like what they find.

My uncle on the other hand does force things and that's been the major problem here.

Edit: I'd also thank you, Urs, that if you feel if necessary to bring up my religious affiliations that you use proper capitalization. I know this is a problem for many Christians, and I could also just as easily use a lower case c, but religious beliefs are no excuse for purposefully using poor grammar and poor grammar is very half-hearted way of trying to get a point across.

HYdraMStar wrote:

Urs, I'm not going to argue religion with you.

I would like to start off by saying that it was never my intention to make this about religion. It is about choices that we make that affect those around us, namely family, I just used the polarity of your and your uncles beliefs as an example of different choices we make and that we expect others to accept them, even if they do not like them.

If you would like, or if it has the potential to become an issue, tell me now, I'll edit my post to remove all religious references.

Quote :

My uncle on the other hand does force things and that's been the major problem here.

How so if I may ask. As it stands, all I see a man that got married and said this is my new wife. I see nothing exceptional about that action.

I don't believe Hydra wants the religion option here because it is too close to the personal situation. She has been open about her preference, and I will put my vote down against removing ANY religion reference. All topics should be available, however using a topic to open a sensitive area is a misuse of certain freedoms.

Family can be bothersome, but I see them as a force in our life preventing us from completely ignoring the real world. Having just gone through Easter, there were some family gatherings. I had to deal with them, and they had to deal with me. We all smiled and marked our points for socializing.

As for religion, higher powers is a discussion that has kept all people wondering. Stomping one's foot and quoting sources does not make anything true (same with many scientific theories). If such a thread does get opened, let us all remember to keep it friendly.