OH SHOOT

just a spur of the moment, i just felt like writing something earlier today, its short, but yeah XD

i was just speaking my heart out

---

My heart just fell out, from my chest,
all my best just turned to "guess the rest?"

all the walls starts caving in
falling in love, is just my biggest sin.

the word i hate, the word i love
a word too sure, but filled with doubts

once upon a time, a boy a girl
a guitar, a monkey, an uncharted world

Mystic significance, benefit of a doubt
a name i cant pronounce, kept pulling my heart out

breathing in, breathing out
innocence all filled with doubts

is this for real, are you for real
or are you just, my luckless luck?

Nice. But why are you using the spoiler?

oh, the spoiler, well i got used to it, whenever i type something long, short, huge photos of the such, i use spoilers XD

This time I went in and edited your post so that the text of your poem displays normally, except for the change in color I added so that there was a clear difference between the setup and the poem itself. I ask in the future that you not use the spoiler.

The reason I ask this is that it apparently take a very, very long time for it to load when you're on dial up, like me. I had this page open for a couple of minutes and I still don't see your poem; your post was just completely blank underneath the word spoiler.

hmmm, strange, but okay, i wont use them again ^^

this is way too episodic to work. there's no real plan. no direction. you have some interesting lines, but there's no REASON behind them.

"once upon a time, a boy a girl
a guitar, a monkey, an uncharted world"

you read that and you think "nice", but what about it? where's it taking us? additionally, you need to study punctuation. yours is pretty much all wrong...for instance:

"is this for real, are you for real
or are you just, my luckless luck?"

where the first comma is, there actually should be an elipse instead. and there is absolutely no reason for the second comma. please don't think i'm being hard or harsh...i know this is a young person's poem, written by a young person, and these are just little mistakes...but little mistakes piled one after another after another, can completely destroy a poem that otherwise has some potential and worth. keep writing, you've got some interesting and original things to say. just take a little more time in pulling the thing together, and think about the importance and meaning of every single word. in poetry you always have to say to yourself "is this word absolutely necessary? is it correct? is it the best choice?"
take care.
john

heey, thanks for the advice john, i appreciate it ^^

thank YOU for taking my critique in the spirit in which it was intended. i know i am sometimes percieved as tough, but i find that i just don't have the time or the inclination to lie to people. no one will ever improve by saying "great write" or "good read" when something really isn't. if you're posting poems here, i assume that you're looking for tips and advice. i'm good at that. i've been around forever and know what i'm talking about. i think that if you're really serious about your poetry the best thing you can do (beyond writing all the time, of course) is reading as much as possible...and not just the crap they give you in school or the even worse crap that's on the internet...get into your local bookstore and buy books of poems. even at my age i make it a point to buy at least one book of poetry a week. most of it's junk, but every now and then i find something that turns out to be worth my time and my money.
take care. if you have any questions or anything, feel free to ask.
john