A lesson - I hope

In response to the exchange between me and Urs, I gave him a chance to tear into a coming installment of my story. He instead simply gave me a challenge.

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One thing is your use of completing an idea or conveying an event in its entirety.

"Giluchex actually found himself enjoying the travel with Dathol. The holy man did not constantly speak on religion."

The idea here is that Giluchex enjoyed traveling with Dathol because he did not incessantly speak of religion.

What I want you to do with this, is consider three different ways you could say this, and at least one of them should be in a single sentence, to see alternatives to what you put out to start with.

Paragraph from selection wrote:

Giluchex actually found himself enjoying the travel with Dathol. The holy man did not constantly speak on religion. He not only knew about each world along the path of travel, but could speak on matters concerning Davelda. Giluchex found out quick that Dathol considered Terish and Straekin very good friends. While direct attacks upon either member of the couple would be strongly defended, discussion of policies either had instituted would be politely advanced. That fit Giluchex's personality, and he found the travel to be entertaining.

Again, the idea here is that Giluchex enjoyed intelligent conversation but knew that Dathol was dear friends with Trish and Straekin as such would not abide any personal insults towards the two, but would entertain and even get involved in discussions of politics and policies as long as it was kept civil.

So what I want you to do is tell me that in three different manners. One using as few words as possible, the other as few sentences as possible and the last as many dynamic and descriptive words as you can think of.
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1) Giluchex enjoyed traveling with Dathol as he could speak on several non-religious subject, although would quickly voice disapproval of any statement against his friends.

2) Giluchex pleasantly passed the time traveling speaking with Dathol on several subjects. Only the topics of Terish or Straekin found disapproval. He however found himself cheerfully debating topics of a political nature without any resistance from the holy man. A happy feeling overcame Giluchex at the conclusion of each of those conversations as he realized that a number of miles had passed.

3) Giluchex exuberantly appreciated the repeated fact that that Dathol could knowledgeably speak on several subjects. Being the leader of a large faction of the Daveldan council, Giluchex found himself pleasantly amazed that the holy man could speak on relevant government issues. There had been an initial suspicious resistance to accepting the offer from Dathol, because the fear of hearing the constant prattle of religious dogma would have highly annoyed Giluchex. Instead the dull journey had been rather entertaining because the topics had been those he preferred, and the complexity of heated discussion had been on a level that rose above the normal questioning of reporters or regular citizens. There had been times when something about the exotic scenery intruded on their thoughts, although the fact that Dathol could knowledgeably speak about the strange worlds through which they traveled made even the side conversations interesting. Giluchex had chanced speaking some of his biased opinions about Terish or Straekin, but found Dathol quick to boldly defend the couple. Giluchex thus wisely edited out any interjection of derogatory commentary about his empress or the man who she traveled with, but other than that concern he traveled the distance being completely pleased that he did indeed have someone with whom he could speak.

Okay, I did it.

Very well done. I rather enjoyed reading these to tell the truth. I liked the vast difference you put in between them.

So let me say first off, that Storytelling is highly subject to the opinion of the receiver, it is not so much technical, but more just going by the gut.

So, as opposed to me going though this and saying "Look at XYZ" which would loosly be me telling you, my opinion on this, I would much rather have you go though this and tell me about which one did you like best, and why?

TerishD wrote:

1) Giluchex enjoyed traveling with Dathol as he could speak on several non-religious subject, although would quickly voice disapproval of any statement against his friends.

2) Giluchex pleasantly passed the time traveling speaking with Dathol on several subjects. Only the topics of Terish or Straekin found disapproval. He however found himself cheerfully debating topics of a political nature without any resistance from the holy man. A happy feeling overcame Giluchex at the conclusion of each of those conversations as he realized that a number of miles had passed.

3) Giluchex exuberantly appreciated the repeated fact that that Dathol could knowledgeably speak on several subjects. Being the leader of a large faction of the Daveldan council, Giluchex found himself pleasantly amazed that the holy man could speak on relevant government issues. There had been an initial suspicious resistance to accepting the offer from Dathol, because the fear of hearing the constant prattle of religious dogma would have highly annoyed Giluchex. Instead the dull journey had been rather entertaining because the topics had been those he preferred, and the complexity of heated discussion had been on a level that rose above the normal questioning of reporters or regular citizens. There had been times when something about the exotic scenery intruded on their thoughts, although the fact that Dathol could knowledgeably speak about the strange worlds through which they traveled made even the side conversations interesting. Giluchex had chanced speaking some of his biased opinions about Terish or Straekin, but found Dathol quick to boldly defend the couple. Giluchex thus wisely edited out any interjection of derogatory commentary about his empress or the man who she traveled with, but other than that concern he traveled the distance being completely pleased that he did indeed have someone with whom he could speak.

In my feeling on this, each of these has their place in a story. There are times when you don't need to volunteer information while at other times you need to submerge someone into the moment.

A Book can be equated to a movie in many ways, like a when the MC is just in some gray blackness knowing that something bland and unimportant is taking place but don't need to know too much about it (Going to work that morning or some such), while other times you end up being in this rich lavish environment with so much going on that you can't help BUT be captivated by it (a sexy woman in a hot red dress shows is flirting with the MC).

So now, I asked what one you like best and why, so now I ask what you did not like about each of them.

I will wait for your response.

Well, truthfully, that is a silly question - as I liked the one I wrote. Of the three choices, I like #2. Number 1 does not set the mood, and number 3 is wordy with the extra text not offering anything to the text. My paragraph basically is #2 with a little spice to support the flow of the story and character.

I write scenes. I imagine a scene, then write it out adding in the details that I believe make it worth writing. I find it rather terse once done, but the details are there for me to flesh it out. I look to my development of characters, the flow of the story, and finally anything about the setting to help me finish the text. Once I have a right balance and I find the scene to flow in a manner that I can read it without my fingers moving to the keyboard to fix something, I consider it done.

Ouch.

Calling my question silly hurt.

Now, moving past that, what if I told you I did not like any of these, or the original? That I thought they all fell short of the mark.

Now imagine if I said "Giluchex enjoyed discussing polite politics with Dathol on their otherwise mindless trek across the Omniverse" was perfect, it summed up the situation set the mood perfectly.

Do you agree or disagree with me, and why?

Silly hurt? Why would you have not thought I would prefer my original paragraph? I expected you to expect it.

As for your basic sentence-

It wasn't mindless. Giluchex had a reason for taking the journey. It might not have been as enjoyable as he hoped, but it did have a purpose. The word 'otherwise' simply does not belong.

Polite? No. Giluchex does attempt to be tactful, but he has reputation of not being tactful enough. Just as I try to show, Giluchex's own biased nature reveals itself rather often (thus the need to point out that he makes statements against Terish and Straekin that Dathol needs to defend).

Let me also say that the simple sentence does nothing towards showing. My paragraph might not be full showing either, but I do present a clearer vision to the reader about how the travel progressed. To show I would have actually needed to detail a conversation, but that would have been an extended passage that would have little benefit. I thus believe that I made the correct decision.

TerishD wrote:

Silly hurt? Why would you have not thought I would prefer my original paragraph? I expected you to expect it.

As for your basic sentence-

It wasn't mindless. Giluchex had a reason for taking the journey. It might not have been as enjoyable as he hoped, but it did have a purpose. The word 'otherwise' simply does not belong.

Polite? No. Giluchex does attempt to be tactful, but he has reputation of not being tactful enough. Just as I try to show, Giluchex's own biased nature reveals itself rather often (thus the need to point out that he makes statements against Terish and Straekin that Dathol needs to defend).

Let me also say that the simple sentence does nothing towards showing. My paragraph might not be full showing either, but I do present a clearer vision to the reader about how the travel progressed. To show I would have actually needed to detail a conversation, but that would have been an extended passage that would have little benefit. I thus believe that I made the correct decision.

Ok this is what is called a "Bad Review"

You disagree that what I said was the correct way to say things. Now, I said it that way in that manner, because I believed that was the best way to say things and get the point across, if I did not, I would not have put it up.

Now, I have many options here:

I can listen to you. Taking what you have said into deep consideration. Trying to see alternatives and perhaps questioning my own decision on this, that in fact there might be better ways to say this.

I can Ignore you. (Self explanatory)

or

I can fight with you about this, defending my decision to say things the way I have said them.

Which would be the best move in this situation?

Well, in case you are wondering, I can defend what I said, and why I said it. It would not be too hard for me either.

I could ignore what you had to say on this subject, dismissing you as not having a clue, for a vast variety of reasons. (I think anyone can write up a good dismissal)

Or I could listen to what you have to say. Take it into account and look back at what I have written and consider that I could say this other ways, perhaps, even better ways.

In the end, that decision is mine, but I'll give it you this time, what do you think would be the best decision for me to make with this situation?

All three are antagonistic. They are thus all three the wrong option. Both of us have clear beliefs founded on solid ways of thought. There is thus the simple option of shaking hands and being friends.

Write, Urs, and read. That is what this site is about. Not about promoting a single correct method. I will let you know what I think about your stuff, but I won't call you wrong (unless there is something wrong, such be you wrongly something right). Start telling your stories the way you want to read them. In the same manner, give me updates. Nothing wrong with trading notes.

The world needs people like us. The mass market is not providing good stuff, so we need to be there for those looking.

TerishD wrote:

All three are antagonistic. They are thus all three the wrong option. Both of us have clear beliefs founded on solid ways of thought. There is thus the simple option of shaking hands and being friends.

Write, Urs, and read. That is what this site is about. Not about promoting a single correct method. I will let you know what I think about your stuff, but I won't call you wrong (unless there is something wrong, such be you wrongly something right). Start telling your stories the way you want to read them. In the same manner, give me updates. Nothing wrong with trading notes.

The world needs people like us. The mass market is not providing good stuff, so we need to be there for those looking.

Point well taken.

I am not trying to say you are 'wrong' (I hope that was not your perceptions of things), so perhaps I have to consider that I have been going about this the wrong way.

I hope you never stop writing.

You have a great imagination and tell epic tales.