Revision: Cold Shoulder

I find dialogue to be a good intro, but only enough to catch the eye of the reader. Problem is - you didn't start with dialogue, did you? With you permission, let me play with it.
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"What's that look for?" he asked innocently, as if he didn't know.

I wasn't entirely impressed by Jack's antics. Despite the centuries of folklore describing Jack Frost as a spritely adolescent, I found him to be a bit on the whinny side. For a moment I thought about ignoring him, but I knew from experience he wasn't the type to be ignored for long.

"I'm not a fan of your work," I admitted, pointing to said masterpiece.

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I like a leading line of dialogue, as it tells the reader that you are going to move the story. However, no description will simply have most readers drop the text as well. Thus, work the details in while keeping things happening is good.

The question now comes - where to put in the text. You are missing -

1) A description of Jack
2) Acknowledgement of who is the point-of-view
3) Where are they?
4) What masterpiece?
5) What is the story?

All but the last is VERY important. The last is important as well, but if you keep things moving most readers will read for the entertainment value alone (at least, for a while).

Let me note that if you are having your point-of-view more rational, make certain that he 'sounds' rational. Don't have him and Jack speaking in the same manner. I am not saying that you did, there are not enough lines to tell, but I am noting such.

I also caught the description of everything Jack touches as freezing. That is a good bit of flavor, but it also is a BIG problem if you want Jack interacting. Think about it, and figure out the rules about Jack touching things. Something as glaring of a constant problem as this needs to have clear rules - so sit down and make yourself notes so you can stay consistent. At some level you need to explain those rules to the reader, as it helps them accept your reality as 'real.'

Okay, hope it helps.

deathbypen wrote:

First 170 words. I wrote this for a September exercise but I've been thinking about expanding it. Thoughts on starting with dialogue? Generally, jumping right to dialogue is my style but is it helping or hurting me? I'm afraid that without establishing context right off, I may not be pulling readers in. And, of course, point out any other mistakes. I'm open to any and all suggestions.[Please see Revision Exercise post if you have not done so]

I have read this, and I must say this could go places. I would like to see what happens and where it trails off to.

With that put out.

Lets get to the nitty gritty.

Quote :

Cold Shoulder

I wasn't entirely impressed by Jack's antics. (This openign line does NOT pull me in, Jack, however your Next line is a Bomb Dropper, I loved it, consider removing the first line and just start with this second one) Despite the centuries of folklore describing Jack Frost as a spritely adolescent, I found him to be a bit on the whinny side.

"What's that look for?" he asked innocently, as if he didn't know.

For a moment I thought about ignoring him, but I knew from experience he wasn't the type to be ignored for long.

"I'm not a fan of your work," I admitted, pointing to said masterpiece.

"You used to be." Even though his words were quiet, they were carefully empty.

If I hadn't known him better, it would have been easy to miss the slight tightness that pulled at his lips. Although he wouldn't admit it, I was sure he was expecting something a little more flattering.

Jack sat on the frozen log that had just minutes ago been covered with green moss. Now the moss resembled cake icing. I almost expected to hear the ice crunch underneath him, but as usual, it never betrayed his movement.

The problem I have with this, is that I can't tell who the narrator is, I know this is first person, it needs to feel first person and the first person needs to be put out. Who is talking, and why would they be talking to the mystical "Jack Frost" in such a way that they seem to old friends.

"If I hadn't known him better, it would have been easy to miss the slight tightness that pulled at his lips"."Although he wouldn't admit it, I was sure he was expecting something a little more flattering."



If you look at this line, it is a narrator there, first person talking in 3rd person narration.

"If I had not known Jack for as long as I have I would have missed the way his lips tightened at the outer edges as he spoke, I could tell that he was expecting something a bit more flattering from me, even if I knew he would never bring himself to admit it"

Just consider HOW the first person narrator is going to be telling this story. We are seeing things from the eyes of the person across from Jack Frost, who this person is, we do not know, but all that we should know is only what this person knows. You can't use omniscient knowledge and first person dialogue, only the assumptions of the narrator.

"I could tell by the way he shifted in his seat he was playing a hand with all low cards"

The way he looked into my eyes made me feel like he would watch over me forever.

All in all, this has some very good ideas behind it, and needs to expand a bit and find the narrators voice in this, perhaps by the voice of the narrator we might even get clues into who they are.

I also wondered what masterpiece, until I realized that it was the currently frozen tree.

TerishD and Urs,

I appreciate the comments from both of you.

They have helped me focus on what I need to do. To begin, I agree, I need to sit down and think of the rules for my boy, Jack.

Also, I'm going to keep both your suggestions in mind for switching the dialogue around because both of you remarked on that opening line. I do like how the dialogue pulls a little more and improves the flow.

I'll try to make the narrator pop out a little bit more. It will help me flesh out the description areas. Even if it isn't within the first 170 words, it's something that needs to be relatively soon.

Lastly, I really liked that you pointed out what my narrator does and doesn't know. She has known Jack for a long time, but taking a second look, I think you're correct. The following sentence is a little too much. If she explained how she could tell, then it would be a little more clearer, and give insight into the relationship.

"I could tell that he was expecting something a bit more flattering from me, even if I knew he would never bring himself to admit it."

I appreciate the time both of you two took to go through this intro. I'll return the favor.

Glad to Help - Happy Holidays. Good luck with this project. It looks like fun.

and don't over think Jack Frost, he is a fay, mystical being. Play with what works to keep the story going and you might discover that the "rules" write themselves.

After all, is this a story about two old friends talking as they walk though the forest, or is this a story about the magical properties of Jack Frost?

Urs,

Happy Holidays to you as well. I love visiting family but I'm glad the zoo-like shopping is over with.

The story is about two old friends, or well...enemies. I'm leaning towards the romance genre for this one. The narrator is Cupid, and she's a little pissed with Jack Frost. Without giving too much away, Cupid was shot by her own arrow. Guess who shot her...

I wanted to use mythical characters, but vampires are a little over done. I'm hoping to make Cupid, Jack Frost, the nine Muses, and a handful of other supernatural characters sexy, powerful, and undeniably flawed.

I'm planning on deviating from the traditional roles of each character so that there is more of a modern twist, but...I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do that yet.

It's definitely something i'm thinking about.

deathbypen wrote:

The story is about two old friends, or well...enemies. I'm leaning towards the romance genre for this one. The narrator is Cupid, and she's a little pissed with Jack Frost. Without giving too much away, Cupid was shot by her own arrow. Guess who shot her...

I thought Cupid was male, the perpetual boy-child of Aphrodite.

Naw, I'm playing with that a little. I'm also thinking of having more than one. I've never been a fan of the superhero syndrome, you know, only one of a kind.

I'm almost considering a business-like atmosphere in the supernatural world. Some of them aren't exactly thrilled with their mystical lot in life, but eh, it's what they have to work with.

It would be my humble opinion that you focus on just these characters and their relationship, it has a nice feel to it and flows well. I look forward to seeing where you take this.

As for Cupid, it is your story if you want make Cupid a Girl, or even perhaps a genderless changeling that can be either male or female, that would be good too. Might even make some fun twists if Cupid shifted to male and female as they talked to Jack Frost.

I like the idea of switching genders. Can you imagine a world when changing your sex was as easy as changing your clothes? Now, that would be interesting.

Inside my head, this story is going to take on a romance tone, so the gender swapping may be a little beyond my current concept. Although, the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of adding an element like that which takes people a little out of that comfortable mental zone. It may not be ideal for the current characters, but to have an additional background character with that ability may almost make Cupid and Jack Frost appear normal.

I finally have some time today to write and revise. I'm striving to actually post a chapter but we'll see.

deathbypen wrote:

I like the idea of switching genders. Can you imagine a world when changing your sex was as easy as changing your clothes? Now, that would be interesting.

Inside my head, this story is going to take on a romance tone, so the gender swapping may be a little beyond my current concept. Although, the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of adding an element like that which takes people a little out of that comfortable mental zone. It may not be ideal for the current characters, but to have an additional background character with that ability may almost make Cupid and Jack Frost appear normal.

I finally have some time today to write and revise. I'm striving to actually post a chapter but we'll see.

Looking forward to it. Glad to Help.

I agree its your story, its up to you what you do to Cupid, but people familiar with the myth may be a bit thrown or even put off by the gender change. Cupid sounds masculine as well as a name. There's many ancient goddess' that might fit in better, so if you're uncertain even the tiniest bit, you can always shop around. There's thousands of ancient deities and mythical beings to work with. Also, for the more than one phenomena, you could always bring in the other gods of love from around the globe, such as Eros for example. Would make it interesting IMO.

Unless, of course, its a satirical jab at the myths in question, then cupid being female, and there being dozens of her, would suit the needs.