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Is the phrase "Once upon a time..."
Overused
The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley Empty33%The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley Empty
 33% [ 1 ]
Underused
The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley Empty67%The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley Empty
 67% [ 2 ]
Total Votes : 3
Monthly Writing Prompt
For this month's writing prompt write a scene using the following sentence to start;

The streets were deserted. Where was everyone? Where had they all gone?

Writing Tip
Our monthly writing tips are written by our very own TerishD. You can read more in Terish's Blog located in "The Abstractions" area of the forum.

Look Back

When not able to write ahead, it helps to look back. In my case I had written a paragraph ahead of the story. What I needed to do was add a section of exposition (talking) presenting some facts. In going back, I realized that I could insert a section where a 'tour' of the surroundings could be done. This allowed for character interaction, story development, and other things that enabled me to present the facts in an entertaining manner.

One should not face a writer's block with the mentality of bursting through it. I have found in my own experience that a writer's block is usually due to my mind indicating that it has a problem in 'channeling' the story. One reason might be a re-imagining of certain story points. Another reason however is that there is a problem in where you are at in the story, so you need to look back and find out the problem with the 'journey' that prevents the tale from advancing.

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 The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley

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Thadd

The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley NewScribbler-1


Male
Number of posts : 24
Age : 41
Location : Lancing, Tennessee
Registration date : 2008-10-08

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PostSubject: The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley   The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley Icon_minitimeOctober 8th 2008, 6:59 pm

Damp, dark,
a clank, a spark
a white light,
so bright
my eyes
shut tight


It was years before,
when I was only a boy
a circus came round,
with elephants
and joys


A tent
so large
all the people in town
could come right in
and see all the clowns

I got lost.
For my family
I looked
and through the dark hallway,
I saw a little girl was took.

A curtain hung,
but it hung in the way
I didn't see anything
can't hear what they say.

It was right after that
I heard the man bark,
"Come one, come all,
Gather round y'all.
See the mighty Chinese
and Japanese dolls"


But this girl I met
was so skinny,
so thin,
she had blond hair
and white flaky skin
She drank from a bowl
I seen a chain below her chin,
she was locked up tight
shut in a pen

She was scared
I could see
she was scarred
and so young,
she spoke up then,
she said:
"Hurry up, RUN!!!"

Her Eyes were so wide,
The shock of my sight
made her shake in her cage,
rattling her bracelet of iron
pulling her necklace of chains

"RUN!!" She cried,
"he's coming again!"
then I broke for the door
to my family I ran.

So fast I fled
from that little girl that bled
and I never breathed a word
of that girl,
or the cage,
or that man
or that shed.
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John Yamrus

The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley ScribbleSuperr


Male
Number of posts : 129
Registration date : 2008-09-04

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PostSubject: Re: The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley   The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley Icon_minitimeOctober 9th 2008, 9:51 am

thadd;
the only comment that i'll make about this poem is that you're making a major technical mistake. in your eagerness to make things rhyme, you're distorting your lines all out of shape..."I saw a little girl was took."...you're allowing the form to control you instead of you being in control of the form. when that happens, the lines and the poem can become bulky and awkward, which is exactly the case here. take control of your lines and your rhymes (if you choose to rhyme) and your poems will be much much better.
jy
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HYdraMStar

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HYdraMStar

Female
Number of posts : 1170
Age : 40
Location : Charlotte, NC
Current Mood : The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley Kitty10
Registration date : 2008-07-20

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PostSubject: Re: The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley   The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley Icon_minitimeOctober 9th 2008, 5:16 pm

While I agree with John that a couple of the lines feel a little too heavy and the piece might be well served by some rough editing, you really set up some good imagery which made the bulky lines a little easier to take.
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Urs

The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley ScribblesModerator-1
Urs

Number of posts : 569
Location : Corner of Insane Ave & Stupid St. in the State of Denial
Current Mood : The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley Th_cil10
Registration date : 2008-09-23

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PostSubject: Re: The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley   The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley Icon_minitimeOctober 9th 2008, 5:48 pm

This makes me a feel very creeped out. Which I think is the intention.
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Kellycakes

The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley ScribblesQueen-1
Kellycakes

Female
Number of posts : 1136
Age : 42
Location : State of Thankfulness!
Current Mood : The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley Th_wel10
Registration date : 2008-07-17

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PostSubject: Re: The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley   The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley Icon_minitimeOctober 28th 2008, 4:25 am

I like it, I don't think its heavy at all actually. I do see the forced rhyming here but a lot of poets do such. Don't force your rhymes because that makes reading hard. Other than that the imagery was excellent, and the piece is well written. Keep em' coming, although I do agree it needs a bit editing. Good luck!

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Thadd

The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley NewScribbler-1


Male
Number of posts : 24
Age : 41
Location : Lancing, Tennessee
Registration date : 2008-10-08

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PostSubject: Re: The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley   The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley Icon_minitimeApril 8th 2011, 4:10 am

Thank you all for the comments. I'm sorry for the lateness of my thank yous and appreciation.

I believe I will start visiting this site more often.
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