The Unknown Name [Warning: Disturbing]

I tired a short story.
This might be disturbing to some people. Not sure how many though.

His hands were warm and wet with the red liquid on his hands. He grabbed the face of the pale and scared girl. He stroked her cheek his blue eyes looking at her with a certain craze. A hunger or thirst like a beast she had never seen before. He was only thirty and she was only eight, their eyes seemed to lock for a few moments.
\"There there, we\'ll go home,\" he told her.
She looked at her body unable to move after what she had witnessed. Her brown eyes darted towards the checker floor her mother ripped in half and her entrails had spilled across the fresh pine floor. The father was hacked into pieces his arms and legs no where to be found. She looked back at the man stroking her face. Obsession read all over his face.

The girl started to move back only staring at the man. She finally had the motive to move and she began to take slow steps back. The man looked at her his obsession possessing his insanity at the moment. He watched as she walked slowly back her beautiful white dress,stained in blood, moving side to side like an invisible wind had grabbed her dress.
Fear had her eyes and her flushed out face was the terrible rise of sickness rushing over her. She suddenly tripped over something falling on her bottom.
It was sort of soft and innocent motion for the situation at hand.
The man\'s eyes changed from obsession back into insanity like the rearing heard of a chimera.
\"You\'re trying to leave me again,\"the man said.

The girl tried to get up from the ground, but couldn\'t. The man took out his knife his soft obsession dexterity disappeared. He grabbed the girl by the wrist. The girl began to cry and the man took the cold blade up to her beautiful doll style dress and cut it open.
Her milky skin was now shown bare, he took the knife to her skin and she began to cry tears of fear.
Someone come for me, she thought.

Spoiler:

Suddenly he heard a click behind him. He turned around to see a sickly thin boy pointing a gun at him. His eyes filled with anger, fear, and sadness. The boy was only nine. The boy stared at the man and the man got up.
\"You\'re going to be nice and give me that gun,\" the man said.
The boy watched as the man started to get close to him. The man was smiling he obviously thought worse of the boy.

The man got closer and closer. The boy let go of the trigger and it the man in the chest. He didn\'t really care if he killed the man or not. The boy began to shoot the man three more times. His naked sister got up and stared at him. She started balling.
\"You saved me older brother,\" she said, \"Thank you.\"
\"There is a couple more bullets,\" he said.
\"He\'s dead already,\" she said.
The boy turned around pointed the gun towards his sister. She looked at her brother and he smiled at her. He pulled the trigger and shot her with how many ever bullets were left. He looked at all the dead bodies on the floor.
\"Looks like I made a bit of a mess,\" he said.
The boy smiled and looked at the man raping his sister. The man\'s dead eyes looked at him and the last thing in those eyes had a question, why.
\"I told you to hurt mommy and daddy not to have sex with my sister or better yet...not have sex without me having sex with her first,\" the boy said, \"I better leave.\"
The boy walked off and went outside into the backyard, which was connected to a forest.
The boy was never ever found and no one ever found out what happened that day. Just as the boy planned.

Okay, a couple of things.

The dialogue between the boy and the girl doesn't seem realistic at all. She was either just raped or nearly raped and she just stands up and very properly thanks him for saving her life.

What is the boy's motivation in wanting his family died? Without some manner of back story, or even storyline really, the whole thing sort of seems like it was written to shock the reader with images of child rape.

HYdraMStar wrote:

Okay, a couple of things.

The dialogue between the boy and the girl doesn't seem realistic at all. She was either just raped or nearly raped and she just stands up and very properly thanks him for saving her life.

What is the boy's motivation in wanting his family died? Without some manner of back story, or even storyline really, the whole thing sort seems like it was written to shock the reader with images of child rape.

Actually that was the point.
To make you question what is going, to make you not understand, and to shock the reader of child rape.
Maybe its all a hallucination of one sick individual or maybe it really happened.
We never know do we, what is humanity and what is insanity.

Well, in that case I'd look at some of your word choices. If you're going for shock value go on in and don't trip yourself up with terms like 'private parts'.

Leaka, I went in and put in a spoiler code. The idea of child rape is shocking enough to have it smack dab right in our faces.

You have a story here but it needs a little work of course. Keep writing and welcome the advice of your peers.

By the way thank you for adding a warning to your subject line.

HYdraMStar wrote:

Well, in that case I'd look at some of your word choices. If you're going for shock value go on in and don't trip yourself up with terms like 'private parts'.

I still wanted it in the view of the girl.
Its the girls view of what is happening, its her private part she isn't going to call someone's dick a dick yet or her vagina a vagina yet.

Okay, Kellycakes warned you, and now I am warning you - PUT UP WARNINGS. Really, we don't want to censor or be censored, but allow others to censor themselves (it is only fair).

The second part seemed very tossed out. I don't even know why you added it. Work on it.

The first part showed some thought and development. It really is hard to find the right emotion, perspective, and overall tone with scenes like this. The text did show you trying, so I will give you credit.

Overall, I don't know why you want to chase these scenes. I will admit that scenes like this can enable you take a story to depths of emotion most do seek, so honest practice can be rewarding. I will also welcome any who want to experiment. Thus, practice, practice, practice with freedom - just don't go do any of this stuff for real - please.