Snacker
Number of posts : 818
Age : 39
Location : Stuck in Michigan
Current Mood : 
Registration date : 2008-07-17
 |  Subject: The Song in our Hearts  July 18th 2008, 3:33 am | |
| When you listen in the night
and you see the moon shine bright
You can hear the melody of arts
that's the song in our hearts
Our souls are connected
our love finally perfected
With every single touch we feel
it becomes more and more real
The candles soft glare
highlights the passion we share
And you can hear our hearts beating
when our eyes are meeting
The minutes become hours
while we're surrounded by flowers
Just you and me in this room
let this night resume
Lets spoil each other
with kisses we smother
skin on skin we lay
forever here to stay
When the sun begins to rise
and we look into each others eyes
There's the only thing we can hear
that let roll down a tear
when we hear how it starts
The song in our hearts | |
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Kellycakes
Number of posts : 1136
Age : 46
Location : State of Thankfulness!
Current Mood : 
Registration date : 2008-07-17
| | Subject: Re: The Song in our Hearts July 18th 2008, 11:04 pm | |
| Beautiful! There are a few things that should be taken care of . The line... - Quote :
- There's the only thing we can hear
that let roll down a tear That let roll down a tear (Yeah I know this isn't the critique area but still...) isn't good grammar. It breaks apart your entire poem. What I would do is turn this into a song. Use the last line to create a bridge to be repeated after the first and last verse because the last verse is the problem. It has five lines instead of four which you carried throughout the entire piece. You can fix this but in the mean time, its wonderful. | |
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