- Quote :
- She's my girl in the moon
It makes her put a smile upon her face
First line: She's my girl ON the moon (not in the moon)
Second line: It makes her (What makes her?) She puts on a smile or she smiles would be simple wording.
- Quote :
- How I wish I carry her
How I wish I could carry her/ Is this what you are trying to say?
- Quote :
- I'm going for her until it hurts inside
(Love this line)
- Quote :
- She unforced me to take me away
(Hate this line, mainly because I don't understand it. How can she unforce you? Is unforce even a word?)
Looks like you need another rewrite and again, it sounds like a song to me. I'm not trying to rip you apart when I say this. What I'm saying is maybe it would make a better song then poetry, not that poetry has rules. Again this is just my opinion.