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Poll
Is the phrase "Once upon a time..."
Overused
Girl on the Moon Empty33%Girl on the Moon Empty
 33% [ 1 ]
Underused
Girl on the Moon Empty67%Girl on the Moon Empty
 67% [ 2 ]
Total Votes : 3
Monthly Writing Prompt
For this month's writing prompt write a scene using the following sentence to start;

The streets were deserted. Where was everyone? Where had they all gone?

Writing Tip
Our monthly writing tips are written by our very own TerishD. You can read more in Terish's Blog located in "The Abstractions" area of the forum.

Look Back

When not able to write ahead, it helps to look back. In my case I had written a paragraph ahead of the story. What I needed to do was add a section of exposition (talking) presenting some facts. In going back, I realized that I could insert a section where a 'tour' of the surroundings could be done. This allowed for character interaction, story development, and other things that enabled me to present the facts in an entertaining manner.

One should not face a writer's block with the mentality of bursting through it. I have found in my own experience that a writer's block is usually due to my mind indicating that it has a problem in 'channeling' the story. One reason might be a re-imagining of certain story points. Another reason however is that there is a problem in where you are at in the story, so you need to look back and find out the problem with the 'journey' that prevents the tale from advancing.

Latest topics
» Abduction to Elfland: Part 4 (19)
Girl on the Moon Icon_minitimeAugust 14th 2020, 6:22 am by TerishD

» Abduction to Elfland: Part 3 (13-18)
Girl on the Moon Icon_minitimeAugust 9th 2020, 6:41 am by TerishD

» Abduction to Elfland: Part 2 (7-12)
Girl on the Moon Icon_minitimeJuly 10th 2020, 6:30 am by TerishD

» Abduction to Elfland: Part 1 (1-6)
Girl on the Moon Icon_minitimeJune 10th 2020, 6:33 am by TerishD

» To Know Sweet and Sour - Part Seven (35 - Epi)
Girl on the Moon Icon_minitimeMay 11th 2020, 6:38 am by TerishD

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 Girl on the Moon

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2 posters
AuthorMessage
Snacker

Girl on the Moon ScribblesKing-3
Snacker


Male
Number of posts : 818
Age : 39
Location : Stuck in Michigan
Current Mood : Girl on the Moon Caring10
Registration date : 2008-07-17

Girl on the Moon Empty
PostSubject: Girl on the Moon   Girl on the Moon Icon_minitimeAugust 30th 2008, 7:31 pm

Something beautiful touched my soul
Something from the outside took control
And I can wait to the end of the day
If she comes over to take me away
She makes me fly
It's in her eyes

She's my girl on the moon
She puts on a smile
She is my girl on the moon
In the dawn she's gone without a trace
Ain't nobody else's girl
No one can tear us apart
How I wish I could carry her
Forever in my heart

On my own I watched the stars tonight
I'm going for her until it hurts inside
I hope she comes at the end of the day
I wasn't forced to be taken away
She makes me cry
It's in her eyes

She's my girl on the moon
She puts on a smile
She is my girl on the moon
In the dawn she's gone without a trace
Ain't nobody else's girl
No one can tear us apart
How I wish I carry her
Forever in my heart
Forever in my heart


Last edited by Snacker on September 2nd 2008, 1:14 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : Re-writing)
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Kellycakes

Girl on the Moon ScribblesQueen-1
Kellycakes


Female
Number of posts : 1136
Age : 46
Location : State of Thankfulness!
Current Mood : Girl on the Moon Th_wel10
Registration date : 2008-07-17

Girl on the Moon Empty
PostSubject: Re: Girl on the Moon   Girl on the Moon Icon_minitimeAugust 30th 2008, 8:01 pm

Quote :
She's my girl in the moon
It makes her put a smile upon her face

First line: She's my girl ON the moon (not in the moon)
Second line: It makes her (What makes her?) She puts on a smile or she smiles would be simple wording.


Quote :
How I wish I carry her
How I wish I could carry her/ Is this what you are trying to say?

Quote :
I'm going for her until it hurts inside
(Love this line)

Quote :
She unforced me to take me away
(Hate this line, mainly because I don't understand it. How can she unforce you? Is unforce even a word?)


Looks like you need another rewrite and again, it sounds like a song to me. I'm not trying to rip you apart when I say this. What I'm saying is maybe it would make a better song then poetry, not that poetry has rules. Again this is just my opinion.
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Snacker

Girl on the Moon ScribblesKing-3
Snacker


Male
Number of posts : 818
Age : 39
Location : Stuck in Michigan
Current Mood : Girl on the Moon Caring10
Registration date : 2008-07-17

Girl on the Moon Empty
PostSubject: Re: Girl on the Moon   Girl on the Moon Icon_minitimeAugust 30th 2008, 8:08 pm

I know what you are saying and you can rip me apart. That's good.

I will do a rewrite on this one. As long as I don't have a melody for a poem it is still a poem for me. And since I can't play any instruments it is just a poem.

Quote :
Second line: It makes her (What makes her?) She puts on a smile or she smiles would be simple wording.

It makes her smile that she is my girl.

Quote :
Quote:
How I wish I carry her
How I wish I could carry her/ Is this what you are trying to say?

Yes that was what I was trying to say.

Quote :
Quote:
She unforced me to take me away
(Hate this line, mainly because I don't understand it. How can she unforce you? Is unforce even a word?)

I don't know if it is a word. But what I was trying to say is that she didn't force me to go with her. So I don't know what the opposite of force is.

Will post the rewrite soon.
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Girl on the Moon Empty
PostSubject: Re: Girl on the Moon   Girl on the Moon Icon_minitime

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