Will be in Arizona

Well, I am attempting to break out of my introverted shell. I signed up for Leprecon in Phoenix, Arizona (May 8-11). Look to be there with a number of books in hard back, mugs, pens, and who knows what else. For me it is an opening salvo of getting out and meeting people.

Working against this attempt at facing the public is my new home in north Louisiana. Back in the woods near Lake Bistineau. It is just a small house, but I have family property I have been slowly developing well off the road in the great town of Heflin. Plan on eventually having a good home there. I might be getting out, but I will need to get back away.

Yes, I know Kellycakes said that she was now in Michigan, but Arizona had a convention at the right time with the right focus. I thus signed up.

Anyway, will be posting more as things develop.

I've always been so intimidated by conferences, since I lack writing self confidence still. I hope you have a blast while you are there Terish and I truly wish I was still in Arizona it would be wonderful to meet with you in person. One day we will have such an opportunity. My father is terminally ill right now and I'm a daddy's girl and therefore I'm not taking it very well. I find myself wishing that I had some of the healing powers one of my characters has in my Elemental story I wrote over the past couple years. But alas I do not have such a power and cannot heal this man who means everything to me.

I know you've gone through this particular lost recently, how did you deal with the emotions of the impending death of your father? (Sorry for hijacking your positive thread Terish.)

Kellycakes wrote:

I know you've gone through this particular lost recently, how did you deal with the emotions of the impending death of your father? (Sorry for hijacking your positive thread Terish.)

I really did not deal with it. He had Parkinsons, so the only way to keep him alive was to keep him active. I told people that I felt 90% of my time was being mean to him just to keep him moving, eating, etc.

It was before Thanksgiving, and he had what appeared as a stomach virus. Okay, no problem, some extra meds and all will be fine. Dad did not get fine, and when came the nurse took me aside and asked me how I wanted to treat it. IT WAS A STOMACH FLU! I actually told the nurse that (well, I did not scream it, but I made my position clear), and said that was how I was going to treat it. The nurse accepted my answer. I tried and tried every trick I knew to get Dad up. He did not get up. I bought a blender (the old one had a gasket go bad) to blend his food to pour it down his throat. I was determined.

It was the day after Thanksgiving. I was giving Dad a hard time telling him about drinking his eggs and bacon. I suddenly heard a gurgling sound. I felt it was the water on his breathing tube getting low. Realizing that once I went into his room I would start the day, I went and took my shower. When I finally went into the room I realized the gurgling sound was not from his breathing machine, but from him.

Everyone was at work or still asleep (and probably would not answer the phone). Hospice only had one nurse active, and she was with another patient. I called my preacher, and he came for a time. By the time he left, the Hospice nurse was there and did some things. By the time she left, I had an uncle (younger brother of my father) and aunt with me. They stayed while they took the body away.

I simply switched from taking care of Dad to taking care of arrangements. I really am not a people person, but I can administrate rather well from a background position. I handled the flow of information, and let others (brother and sister) take the lead.

As soon as my sister began her yah-yah over the house and money, I got out. I did a total about-face, and left. It is now barely two months since my father passed, and I am in another house in a different part of the state. My brother and sister can handle things now.

Still, I never really dealt with Dad's loss. I guess that it will come, but I am out where I can cry in peace when it does. I hope things come easier for you.

My father passed on the 18th at 5:43 in the morning. Hospice gave us a choice of someone moving in or sending him to a place where they can monitor him 24/7. He said he'd go but we could tell he didn't want to so I agreed to stay at the house and administer his medicines. I'm a total daddy's girl and anything he wants I gave him. He had already started liquid morphine the week before all of this went down. On the day that I moved in he was awake and telling me what pills he needed, which is a very good thing. He took a few bites of food but not enough to actually fuel any normal person, sickly or otherwise. So there were two different Hospice nurses at the house one helping understand how to help move him about so he doesn't have to endure any other unnecessary pain. The other nurse, pregnant, throwing it in our faces that she was bringing forth life while we were losing our King. (I hate her, still do, even though I haven't seen her since.) The first time she gave us 7 days to a week or so. The second time she said hours to 2 days and my heart basically exploded into a million pieces. Everyone stop by the house and it was a nice gesture and all but really it was like a living wake and it infuriated me to no end.

Anyway I guess I feel the need to talk about it, but everything has been easier when I write or type things out. Anyway after the fact I felt so responsible for his death. I was reading the information on the liquid morphine which stated that it slows down the chemicals in the brain so it doesn't registered the pain, which means yes he doesn't feel it but only because his brain isn't allowing him too. Keeping him drugged, not feeding him or giving him water because it can go directly into his lungs made me feel like first I put him down and second I starved him to death. In a way I know it's not my fault but then again I have this nagging feeling that it is. I'm not sure how to deal with the pain that I feel because of it I haven't even had a chance to actually grieve for my daddy. He's gone and I can't bring him back. (I have been having dreams that I've become a healer and can bring him back.) That however my friends is just wishful thinking

Just venting for anyone willing to read, I guess. (Virtual Hugs to you Terish)

It is not your fault. You were there for him, which is not a fault. You were working with professionals (the hospice people, whatever you think of them), so not at fault. Get that guilt trip behind you.

Your job now is to get back to your life. He has lived his, now you need to live yours. That is what I am doing. I am getting my writing back front-and-center in my life, and seeing if I can make a living at it. When I finally meet my father again (however things really are in the life beyond), I want him to know that I lived my life, and then we can talk about it with the perspective of a full life behind us. Hopefully, we can then come to an understanding with each other.

Keep smiling, and put your focus on what makes you smile. One life is over, but yours goes on. Make it a good one. Yes, Kellycakes, I will read what you write (might also critique, but that is just me). Virtual hugs to you as well.

I am in Arizona. I will be at Leprecon 40 in Phoenix starting tomorrow (in the Dealers' Room), although I also have some panels. Hope to have fun. Promise to let everyone know what happens.

It was not a good convention for selling things. Even the bondage people across the aisle were not selling things. Most of the 'customers' were locals coming to give to support to other locals, although not buying anything.

There however were a lot of authors there. I thus made a number of contacts. I was on a number of panels, and comported myself very well. I was especially proud of being on a panel of 'Creating Strong Female Characters' where I was the only male, and I came out without making a fool of myself (or having the ladies make a fool of me).

I am thus calling it a good convention. Not certain if I am going to return next year, but will see.