Kellycakes
Number of posts : 1136 Age : 47 Location : State of Thankfulness! Current Mood : Registration date : 2008-07-17
| Subject: Without Him... July 27th 2008, 4:20 pm | |
| Without Him...
He brought hardened smiles; and fire soaked cheeks. He brought tears to maple browns; to her heart erotic beats. He covered her with sugar; he put her in her place. What she wouldn’t give right now; to wipe the tears from her face. She never meant to hurt him; he was so undemanding. But now she’s lost him; to her own foolish self pity. She could do anything; in that he made her believe. Something however was missing; she didn’t have what he needed. Deep within her heart; lie wounds she couldn’t control. Her lack of trusting others; might have cost her, her soul. | |
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TerishD
Number of posts : 1441 Age : 64 Location : Ringgold, Louisiana Current Mood : Registration date : 2008-07-21
| Subject: Reply July 27th 2008, 6:54 pm | |
| Ack, it was going well, then oops. Remember, either go with the rhyme or go without. Modern poetry fully accepts the non-rhyming, so don't be afraid.
The poem does seem to have a good message. Don't give up on inspiration. There is no rush. Take your time and give a concept the care and attention to bring it into its own. If you don't post it today, so what? Posting it early can harm it, and actually give you a sense of fulfillment (or shame) that is not there. If you are going to let others see something, don't put it out unfinished. If you had given this one more time, it would have stepped out proudly fully showing forth its value. | |
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Kellycakes
Number of posts : 1136 Age : 47 Location : State of Thankfulness! Current Mood : Registration date : 2008-07-17
| Subject: Re: Without Him... July 29th 2008, 2:27 pm | |
| I've actually read this one out loud and thought I sounded better without the mixture. I've always told people over again exactly what you said. But because I'm bias against my own work I guess I just didn't listen to myself. Thank you for commenting, I hope to have a revision soon. | |
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Saphira
Number of posts : 124 Age : 35 Location : Münster, Germany Registration date : 2008-07-18
| Subject: Re: Without Him... July 29th 2008, 3:56 pm | |
| I like it.. really You can be more critical, i am not... beacuse of my english But i find you poems very good | |
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