The Circus Came to Town by Thadd Presley

Damp, dark,
a clank, a spark
a white light,
so bright
my eyes
shut tight


It was years before,
when I was only a boy
a circus came round,
with elephants
and joys


A tent
so large
all the people in town
could come right in
and see all the clowns

I got lost.
For my family
I looked
and through the dark hallway,
I saw a little girl was took.

A curtain hung,
but it hung in the way
I didn't see anything
can't hear what they say.

It was right after that
I heard the man bark,
"Come one, come all,
Gather round y'all.
See the mighty Chinese
and Japanese dolls"


But this girl I met
was so skinny,
so thin,
she had blond hair
and white flaky skin
She drank from a bowl
I seen a chain below her chin,
she was locked up tight
shut in a pen

She was scared
I could see
she was scarred
and so young,
she spoke up then,
she said:
"Hurry up, RUN!!!"

Her Eyes were so wide,
The shock of my sight
made her shake in her cage,
rattling her bracelet of iron
pulling her necklace of chains

"RUN!!" She cried,
"he's coming again!"
then I broke for the door
to my family I ran.

So fast I fled
from that little girl that bled
and I never breathed a word
of that girl,
or the cage,
or that man
or that shed.

thadd;
the only comment that i'll make about this poem is that you're making a major technical mistake. in your eagerness to make things rhyme, you're distorting your lines all out of shape..."I saw a little girl was took."...you're allowing the form to control you instead of you being in control of the form. when that happens, the lines and the poem can become bulky and awkward, which is exactly the case here. take control of your lines and your rhymes (if you choose to rhyme) and your poems will be much much better.
jy

While I agree with John that a couple of the lines feel a little too heavy and the piece might be well served by some rough editing, you really set up some good imagery which made the bulky lines a little easier to take.

This makes me a feel very creeped out. Which I think is the intention.

I like it, I don't think its heavy at all actually. I do see the forced rhyming here but a lot of poets do such. Don't force your rhymes because that makes reading hard. Other than that the imagery was excellent, and the piece is well written. Keep em' coming, although I do agree it needs a bit editing. Good luck!

Thank you all for the comments. I'm sorry for the lateness of my thank yous and appreciation.

I believe I will start visiting this site more often.