Untitled - Poem on Father

Subject: Untitled - Poem on Father October 3rd 2008, 9:25 am

Warning - Minor Swearing

Quote :: I've been wanting to call it 'Bi-Polar' but that's not all it's about. I've yet to find a proper name for it. It's actually two poems, but they're interconnected. You'll see. This was written a few years back as a school assignment actually. I know, the swearing and the topic doesn't fit for school, but my teacher didn't care... she was that the kind of teacher.

I wouldn't mind editing it up so I can show my father one day. I know, that sounds really odd. But, either way, I had told my mother about it and she wanted to see it herself. The way it is now, I think it's flawed. More specifically I don't enjoy the second part... I'm not sure how to change it for the better though. Any help would be fantastic, and any comments on it in general would be nice as well

./hugsandlove

-Bick

Untitled

You get home
I walk up to you carefully
Watching your
Actions
They are quick
And angry
I know you’re in one of your moods

I try to get upstairs to my room
“Get over here”
I hear you say in that scary voice
That I know isn’t really
You.

I bite my lip
Walk over to you
Slowly
You snap and me and tell me to clean
My room.
You call me a lazy
Bitch.
And anything you can think of

I mutter
“Yes, daddy.”
I know I’d get hit if I hadn’t said
It.

I bite down harder.
It helps me keep my tears in
I walk up to my room and lay on my bed
I let the tears onto my pillow

Ten years of this,
You tear me apart
Without you even knowing it?
They say you are bi-polar
But that’s just a fucking excuse

This pain you cause me
Mum
Sissy
It can’t be forgiven just because you’re
Sick.

I’ve never known a real father
I never will.
No one should have to fear their dad.

Dad why can’t you be real
Like everyone else?

Daddy,
do you really love me?

Part 2

I get home
The house is a mess.
Why can’t it ever be clean?
Do I have to fucking work all day and come to
This?

I see you daughter,
You’re walking up the steps.
I remember you’re disheveled room
And I can’t help but be angry.

“Get over here.”
I snap.
I tell you to clean your room.
I tell you how you’ve been acting
You need to know.
I hate how quite you are around
Me
It upsets me more then you
Know.

You mutter
“Yes, daddy”
and walk off.
At least I’ve taught you respect you stupid
Bitch.

Dear daughter why do you hate me after all that I
Do?
You talk back
You make the house a mess.
You’re just a lazy bitch.

Why can’t you be a real daughter?
I go to work and pay for you
My life revolves around you
And all you show me is
This

Why daughter do you hate me so?
I try to be a good father!
I love you when you need to be loved.
I punish you when you need to be punished.
I even bring you goodies from work.

I try to be there
All you do is wish I hadn’t come
I can tell by the whispers
When I leave to use the
Restroom.

Dear daughter
do you really love me?

Subject: Re: Untitled - Poem on Father October 3rd 2008, 2:18 pm

This is a good poem, writing wise. I thought it was clever the way you put it into both sides, and kept a sense of parallel.
./hug

Subject: Re: Untitled - Poem on Father October 3rd 2008, 8:32 pm

Okay, only issue I found was the line, "You snap and me and tell me to clean". Should it read "You snap AT me and tell me to clean"?

Beyond that it's wonderful. I mean truly great.

I love how you tell the story from both sides and capture the emotion and thought process of your father. That shows a deep understanding of human nature, which is among the most important things for a writer to have.

Great work!

Subject: Re: Untitled - Poem on Father October 4th 2008, 3:52 pm

Quote :: I hate how quite you are around

quite = quiet?

I must agree its a great piece, I too enjoy the story from both sides it gives the reader a clear perspective of what both characters are going through. Other than the two typos, I think its an excellently written piece. Nice work!

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